runs_on_batteries | IC Inbox/ Interactions 2.0

[Those were good times, both memories Pyra brings up. The affection she was giving him was more than he deserved, but he was grateful for it all the same.]

I do. I.. they're moments- precious ones, of course. I treasure them and they're what get me through. But I wonder are those little moments, no matter how many of them, enough to balance the scale of one big hurt?

Like.. well, like Pepper. If that incident had left her paralyzed or blind or some other lasting condition, would it matter how good I was to her if I was responsible for that? Or with Era. Solus said I'd done her so much harm that she's going to need all this time to recover from it. He said he read our conversations and couldn't tell from them that I'd cared at all.

On one hand, I'm supposed to be made of iron. It's who I am and it's who I need to be when I have to stand between the world and whatever wants to harm it over and over again. On the other.. when you have to defend yourself the same way for so many years you can't help but question it.

[Was he really the villain in the story and just unable to see it for some reason? Was he the abuser he'd sworn to protect others against? He tugged the necklace he wore around his neck always out from under his shirt. The little black skull, identical to the one on a blind man's neck, was hard to see in the night.]

Something or someone killed my fiancé's spirit. Ignis was losing his mind before he left the train and I couldn't help him either. When am I going to hurt you and Gladio in a way that's unforgivable? It's not a question of 'if'.

[ The more he speaks, the more it seems as if he's spiraling. So trapped he is within his own fears, she feels as if she's watching him become undone from reality in real time. What's holding him together is slowly slipping, she's seeing it on his expression, she's hearing it in the strain of his tone. But... What safer way to have that happen, than in the company of someone who cares for him? First and foremost, she wants to let him know that it's okay. ]

Tony--..... Tony. [ She repeats his name, the second time said more firmly than the first, as if she might call his attention back to her-- to her, to the present, to the reality that they have, not in any anxieties or the future of ifs, of worst-case-scenarios he already believes will happen, when he cannot tell the future.

...She'll address his concern of hurting others he cares about in a moment, of potentially hurting Gladio. But right now-- ] ....Over here, mm? [ She brings their hands up between them, clasping one of his in both of hers, as if holding his one in a prayer. ] Come back to me.

Where are we?

[She had to say his name twice before he heard it. He was so racked with guilt and worry over future mistakes there were whispers at the edges of his mind of anxiety. They'd lead to stronger poison and eventually an anxiety attack. There was already a small tremor in his hand, caught between her own.

However, being told to look at Pyra and really drawn out of his thoughts. His face was a little more pale, but when he blinked, his eyes were finally focused back on her again.]

Pyra..

[He glanced around, remembering the present.]

Sorry. I.. I'm sorry. I'm here with you.

[ She feels the tremble his hand in hers, and it only makes her only smooth her fingers over the back of his knuckles. She repeats this, over and over until those trembles are but scant quivers. Would that she could dismiss his apologies away with the same motions, because he doesn't need to say he's sorry for... She doesn't even know what he's sorry for. For allowing himself to show this, for letting himself show these emotions?

Too much. He puts too much on himself, and she sees it clearly with his new pallor. She speaks gently, cautiously. ]

You're here, and it's now. [ Not the future, not anywhere else, and not in a situation in which he's hurt someone, real or imagined. ] I'm here.... And it's a privilege to be here, with you. Will you believe that?

[He breathed a laugh.]

It is? Why? So you can listen to some old man's worries? That can't possibly be what you'd prefer to be doing right now.

[Despite the words, his tone is borderline playful. He wanted to believe her, did that count?]

[ The playful tone earns him a smile, as she seems to take it as a good sign. Better playful than morose, but she hopes that that isn't his mask simply slipping back into place.

Nevertheless, she doesn't lose sight of why she's here. ] Because... [ She leans in a bit, as if to emphasize a point. ]

I care for you, silly.

[ Silly-- as if he's silly to believe anything else, doubt it, and so on. ] I care for you, I care for you, I care for you.

[ She'll say it as many times as she needs to! All this, before they really move onto the heart of the matter. ]

[Some of it was, but some of it was relief that she'd brought him back. This sweet girl had prevented one of his mini torture sessions he went through because of his condition.

On top of that, she was being really cute about it. He drew his hand back from her and instead wrapped that arm and the other around her, drawing her in to a hug.

He knew she didn't have to be like this- she didn't have to let him treat her like a daughter. She could find it creepy or condescending or a number of other logical viewpoints but he was so grateful she let him do whatever this was between them. He adored her.

After a couple moments, he was able to pull back and smile at her. No mask, no superhero, just Tony. There was a hint of worry even with that smile though.]

I do too, kiddo. I really do. That's why I'm so afraid of doing something that might hurt you. How would I ever forgive myself for that?

[ He can see her as he wishes. In this moment, it seems that he needs that, or so she perceives, some sort of allusion to his real family. Obliging, especially because he's hurt, is no burden to her as far as she's cognitively aware; so, she smiles at the hug-- returning it warmly.

When he pulls back, her hand lifts to place it upon his back, giving it a soft pat. And there it stays for a moment longer before she drops it back down to take his hand. This time, her fingers interweave with his.

"I'm so afraid of doing something that might hurt you." She knows that-- in this context, it can't just be her. He had expressed worry for his wife and child, he had expressed worry for Ignis from the train, for Gladio in this world. Swapping out that "you" for anyone, or the entire world, she believes, gives further insight into how anxious he is about causing harm.

She shakes her head, her smile sorrowful, pained at first from hearing how he suffers, but then sympathetic. ] Tony. You, Tony, and you, Iron Man. You're fallible, and... you cannot see the future. [ Perfection is the opposite of good, and power leads to an air of capability. She sees how damaging this is to him; surely, he must see it, too. ] And relationships-- they're not always perfect. [ Her voice is sincere, but gentle. No one likes to be told they're not perfect, or that it's possible harm might occur, but to tell him that no harm will occur ever is a false hope, unrealistic. But she wants him here, in the present, and based in reality.] When that happens, that's up to you and other person.

[ She knows this to be true, and she's experienced it herself: hurt, then reconciliation, then moving forward, based on what both parties want. Reassurance is something she can give him, and she'll give him it as many times as it's needed, until that worried smile of his becomes something stronger, something grander, and something that he doesn't feel he needs to hide. That he worries at all, that he's confiding and seeking help-- she sees it as that he's already trying to better himself, already trying to be careful with his relationships. He's trying, and that's worth something.

A pause follows her words, and she adjusts how she sits, turning more to face him as another thought occurs to her. ]

Easier said than done but-- [ Her tone changes again, earnest, as if asking something of him... Or, perhaps, wanting something for him, because he should have this:] That fear... Don't let that come between what happiness you can have-- and bring-- to your bonds with others.

[Even though he was grieving those he'd lost and had a need for family, his attention to Pyra wasn't only because of those things. The young woman in front of him at the present time was also a very kind individual who he was learning to respect and appreciate in her own right as well. He hoped she could sense that too. At some point, he might find the worlds to tell her.

He listens was torn between wanting to accept these supportive words and argue that normal significant others didn't put their partner's lives at risk as often as he did without being the one causing it.

But maybe that was the point of all of this. Since when was his life been normal? So, he nods in agreement.]

I am aware of that. It might not always seem like I do, but.. I'm very aware I'm not perfect.

[You cannot see the future. It was true. He couldn't have known the outcome of Ultron, of whatever he'd done wrong on the train, or trying to help Era.

That fear... Don't let that come between what happiness you can have-- and bring-- to your bonds with others.]

How do you stop letting it?

[ A general you, she interprets, and whatever suggestion she has here, she knows she won't be easy for him to oblige. Overcoming such things takes practice, time, and patience-- the second of which, unfortunately, he has only borrowed. Once he's gone from this world, he's gone.

There's too many like that in this world. Too many. ]

Balance.

[ She says at last. ] Balance, ...living in the present. [ She isn't saying that he should abandon all caution on how he treats others, and she isn't saying that he should retreat away from them. It's finding that happy medium, and living within these moments while they last. ]

...And allowing yourself to believe that you're wanted by those with whom you spend time.

[ Once she had told him to be kind. That still stands, only now, he must be kind to himself, too. ]

[It was a difficult thing to overcome- the guilt from the past, so he can enjoy the present. He's not convinced he has that right with some of his mistakes. However what good does it do those who died because of his errors or those who were hurt? Despite everything did he really think Ignis- his Ignis- would've wanted him to be anything but happy?

He nodded slowly, mulling that thought over and trying to picture how he could put that to practice. However, he wasn't the only one here.]

What about you, Pyra? Are you allowing yourself to believe you're wanted and important? If I have to believe it, so do you. That's only fair.

[ She smiles at him, exhaling through her nose in a somewhat silent sigh as if to say really, now. ]

When have I said otherwise?

[ Where is this coming from, she wonders. Possibly, just Tony's want to show that he cares, too. Unnecessary, since it is obvious that he does, but a strange divers--

Ah. He's diverting? ] Tony. [ She nods her head at him. ] Sometimes, I get the feeling that you care almost too much. [ He's the sad one, right now. That he's looking out for her, too, in this vulnerable moment speaks to the grandness of his heart. She smiles at that, her eyes warm. ]

[What?! Don't look at him like that! He can only be serious and vulnerable for so long before his natural defenses kick in. Diverting the attention to her was pretty mild compared to other tactics he'd used in the past when he felt like this.

Unfortunately being this real with her also meant he didn't have that smooth exterior that always seemed to have an answer ready for everything. She had to see the struggle and doubt, but also this was Tony- not Iron Man. It was terrifying for her to see it, but there it was.]

It's not that.. it's..

[He sighed as he scrambled to find the right words. How was he supposed to say it was less scary to face a problem if you had someone to face it with? Was he supposed to confess that letting go of the guilt from the past made him fear he'd get careless again? If he was supposed to recognize there were people he wanted him and cared about him, how did he let go of the knowledge they could get hurt?

How did he admit that if he had to watch one more person he cared about suffer like he'd watched Peter fade to dust or Ignis detach from reality or lose his family the man of Iron would break?

He gave up and opted for saying something else.]

I'll try to find that balance.

[ She watches his expression carefully, hearing his sigh, noting how he stops himself from clarifying...

Did she say something wrong? For him to be silent before her, when he is so normally talktaive... A part of her wonders if this means he simply needs a moment to himself. Another part wonders if she should even pry. A third part, the part that feels as if she cannot let a slight slide-- even if imagined. If she did wrong, if she somehow discouraged him, she wants to make it right.

And, he says he'll try to find that balance. She wants to try to help him find it, too. ]

Mm.... Tony?

[He rubs the back of his neck and gave her a sheepish, little smile. He can tell this is confusing her and making her feel anxious. Of course, that was the last thing he wanted.]

I'm so bad at talking about this kind of thing when it's about me. But.. I'm hearing you and I want to try what you're advising me to do. I um.. well, it's like you said. It's easier said than done, but we still have to try.

[ His sheepish smile is better than the defeated look from before, and trying is, perhaps, the best he might do in this moment. Smaller steps are needed, and first, he must take them to begin.

She believes in him. She believes that he can go as far as he can with this, and she believes that the moment when he accepts that he is wanted and loved by his family and friends, when he'll live in the present fully... will be a beautiful one. Even if he just goes an hour feeling that he is loved and without worry for the future-- that would be wonderful.

Her free hand lifts; delicate and soft, her fingers find the his cheek to guide his face to look back at her. Then, in a single, quiet motion, that hand lifts up, making a flipping motion as if she's discarded a shutter from his mien. The symbolism should be apparent: the metaphorical mask has been metaphorically removed.

Moreover, she wants to see him without it-- and, privately, she doesn't see a difference between him and a hero. He is that hero still, with or without that mask.

Her hand retracts to her lap, but her eyes remain upon him. Encouragingly, ]

The 'maskless' you is still a hero too, isn't he? And the only one who can find that balance.

[It's easy for her to guide his face back to her. She might not know, but she had a power over him as most beloved daughters do (yes, ignoring for now that he isn't actually her dad).

He frowns in some confusion as she moves. It takes a moment longer than maybe it should for him to catch on that this was a pantomime and by the end, he was visibly intrigued.

He wasn't expecting to be called a hero again and he wonders how it was possible she was real. He breathed a laugh and almost blushes.]

Is that what you see underneath there? A hero? I told you, you were powerful.

[ That blush of his is scarcely visible in what lights they have, but she smiles when she catches it.

Her hand squeezes his. Without hesitation, and firmly: ]

I do.

[ He can't tell her that he sacrificed himself for the world and not convince her otherwise. He can't tell her that he has a family a children and also convince her otherwise. Both may be heroes to her, Iron Man and a the man beneath the mask. ] Tony the Hero... he's just as good as Iron Man.

[It meant so much to him that she would say that, even think it. However, it also broke his heart too. She clearly needed a father to teach her higher standards.

He shook his head.]

You are truly one of the kindest, loveliest individuals I've ever met- and not just because of who you remind me of. Because of you, Pyra.

[He paused.]

It's not enough to live in the moment and know I'm only human. I have to be more and I have to do better because of the pain I've already caused. If I was abusive even once, then I can never let down my guard and make that mistake again.

If you ever meet someone who is willing to take that risk with you, then they are no hero. They're unworthy of you and you shouldn't settle for anything less.

[ Rather than countering what he says in return, she simply accepts it.

Being able to be kind to one self, forgiving oneself, believing that one is loved and cherished by those that wish to be with them-- that's not mutually exclusive from bettering oneself (so long as the standards are not unreasonable or too burdened or perfectionist). However, he's already acknowledged that he is no god, he cannot see the future-- thus, he isn't perfect-- but he simultaneously acknowledges his flaws.

Thus, instead of viewing his words as countering her own, she seems to see Tony's points as an amendment to it. A reasonable and protecting one, at that. ]

I'm not going to argue with you on that. Wanting to be a better version of who you are--... [ She smiles, quiet for a moment; her look, quite understanding. ]

That's always a good thing.

[ And, he was especially concerned about the possibility of hurting Gladio. She thinks that concern skews a little too much into the unhealthy side, what with what she's seeing here, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to do better, be better, or self-improve. She gives him a quiet, proud smile. ]

Then... in that case. Instead, may I say that-- I believe you'll get there? To become the person you want to be.

[Tony was pleased they'd found a happy medium between striving for better while knowing it's simultaneously impossible. It was the best he could do with where he was in his life, and it felt good to get her approval.

Her encouragement was almost enough to get his eyes misty, but there was no mistaking his mood with his smile.]

Thank you, Pyra. I hope so too. I hope I have enough time.

[He nudged her gently with his arm.]

Now it's your turn. What has you up so late on a rooftop? You didn't just seem me and come up here did you?

[ Oblivious to his thoughts, that's good enough of a reply for her. So, satisfied, she gives him one more smile and a squeeze of his hand as if they've accomplished something. ]

Oh, um... Would you believe it, I was wanting to star gaze...?

[ A pause. ]

"Star-gaze". [ She emphasizes, as if acknowledging that the stars shown upon the barrier above aren't really the stars-- because they aren't, given that there atmosphere is thick and wild beyond it. What they see is an illusion... but, apparently, it's good enough for her. ] As much as one can out here, anyway.

[Tony looked up and then back down to laugh softly, nodding.]

Ahh, yes, it's a lovely night for that. Mind if I sit here and gaze with you for a while?

[He was satisfied not to talk any longer, unless she wanted to, but he wasn't quite ready to leave her side.]

[ Of course she doesn't mind, and the welcoming smile she gives him is one that shows as much. Pyra scoots but a milimetre closer, squeezing his hand as she turns her head away from him-- and up, her gaze raising to the vault of the barrier above. ]

Perhaps... One day, we'll be able to see this worlds' real stars.

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