runs_on_batteries | IC Inbox/ Interactions 2.0

[ As he turns his gaze towards the city, Pyra watches his profile steadily, her expression not changing.

Heavy. What he says is heavy, the words weighted with something not just sorrow, but the immense, nigh immeasurable anchor of loss. Perhaps he's crossed many lines, despite good intentions. Perhaps his lack of redemption comes from misplaced guilt. Either way, there's no going back to him, not to his world, and not to the past. Regrets will forever remain shackles, yet...

He apologies to her, as if he has something for which to apologize. She offers a smile, even if he may not see it, but it fades quickly as his words coming to mind. "Once someone gets hurt, like real hurt,"--....

Between them, her thumb brushes over his. Carefully, she encourages: ] ....I have the feeling that... Tonight, you're the one who is hurt. Or who has been hurt.

[ -- And to the extent where that 'mask' has slipped. ]

Edited 2021-03-26 23:48 (UTC)

[That's enough to get Tony to look at her. He was stunned for a moment before he could think of how to react.]

It's better me than someone else. That's why they give me the fancy name and Saturday morning cartoon show.

[Yeah, this isn't going to work with Pyra here. He sighed.]

I don't buy it when you say it and you don't buy it when I say it.

..

I'm torn about how I ended up hurting someone when I tried to help them.

[ She glances carefully at him. He's ragged, and again it seems he's focusing on someone else's hurt-- other than himself. She feels as if he should be framing it as just the opposite: he tried to help someone, and he got hurt instead. ]

I have the feeling... [ "There's no redemption. Whatever you were doing whatever, whatever was at the heart..." ]

That you blame yourself for things out of your control. [ It must be a hero thing. ]

[He thinks that over a moment, trying out different answers before settling on one.]

It's hard to define what exactly is out of my control when I can and should be able to do so much. I am Iron Man. Which.. granted, doesn't have the same meaning here as it did where I'm from but.. it still means something.

[It means it to himself if nothing else.]

[ She parses his answer. He can do much. He says he should be able to do so much, and so... the burden when he fails, or when he believes he fails, is high on him.

Pyra looks over at him again, meeting his gaze. ]

But...that doesn't mean it's meaningless, when you are simply you... no?

[ Her expression is thoughtful, patient. That mask of his had worked so well, that she hadn't noticed how torn he was until today. She doesn't want to fall to that again-- he shouldn't have to keep up that façade, not for her, not for anyone, and that he feels that he has to keep it up as a 'superhero', is something of which she promises to be more aware. ] ...What you have to say-- what Tony has to say, beneath everything... It's worth listening to.

[The question catches him off-guard, mainly because of how long it's been since he was 'simply Tony'. It was either Tony Stark, Leader of the Red team and of the Voidtreckers, Iron Man, Tony Stark of Stark Industries, Mr. Stark- mentor and fill in father for high need kids.]

I don't think I've ever been 'simply me' before.

[What did he have to say underneath all of that? If he wasn't the superhero or having to lead everything?]

I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't dump on you.. but.. I think it sucks that I tried to help Era and it's turned into this gigantic pain in the ass. I had her boyfriend come to my house all up in arms over it, which of course set Gladio off. He confronted her over text- and of course that went poorly. Noct caught me trying to hide the stupid injury I got from when Solus startled me from Gladdy and that was just humiliating. And.. all this shit I'd thought I'd already dealt with is coming back up..

[He rubbed his temple on one side.]

The nightmares and anxiety attacks.. the anger issues.. they're all back. They're all making me act stupid and weak in front of Gladio.. all because of that self-center, brat.

[He gave a weak laugh.]

Aren't you glad you asked?

Edited 2021-03-27 04:20 (UTC)

[ As she watches that weak smile of his, she only grows more troubled. However, it's a concern that's worth bearing because she'd rather know than not. What he speaks about-- nightmares, anxiety, and anger-- reveals the turmoil that's stirred up within. This isn't a light issue, she thinks, and it shouldn't be brushed aside for the sake of appearing as a superhero. Of course she's glad she asked.

Too many, she thinks, too many let their wounds continue to ache, believing they can bear them. She wants to help him. ] So... You can see it, can't you? [ she says slowly, gathering her thoughts, her tone sympathetic. ] It's-- really effecting you. And not in a good way.

[ This does get her to pause. Perhaps, whatever Tony is working through hadn't been as bad as it is now. What changed is his latest interactions, words said to him, unkind and selfish and toxic, and somehow, it makes him guilty still-- just because of the way he is of wanting to help. That's not to say Tony's actions aren't completely right, but...

Moreover, he's concerned about how it effects how he is with Gladio, their friendship. If left unchecked, it seems he's worried it might damage it. That desire to be better for a loved one-- she understands it, truly. She knows that want of not wishing to regress, but move forward. ]

If... you were speaking to someone in your position. What would you say?

[ It's unhealthy to continue like this, she thinks. But she wants to know what he has to say first. ]

[He nodded. It was true that he could. He hadn't at first perhaps, but it hadn't taken too long before he'd noticed the changes in his own condition. However, it had seemed worth the personal torture at the time.

Now, it clearly had been taken for granted and he hadn't been nearly as ready for what he'd taken on.]

I'd say you have to stop, which I have. I've cut ties with her. Still..

[He turned his gaze back to the city.]

Several years ago, when I was still getting the collaborations between my mental commands and my suits, I was just learning how badly I had PTSD. I'd taken a nuclear bomb through a worm hole and I hadn't known at the time if the bomb I was carrying would go off, what was on the other side, and if I would be able to come back. There wasn't time for those thoughts. If I'd hesitated even a second, it would've wiped out millions of people. It worked somehow, but I relive that moment.

Anyway, I used to dream about it and the battle leading up to it constantly. One night I was so caught up in my nightmare, I called one of my suits in distress.. I woke up to my wife screaming. Fortunately it had just scared her, but.. I could've killed her.

Between that and Ignis and Gladio..

[He shook his head and he couldn't quite keep the emotions back- which of course made it worse. The last thing he'd wanted was to get emotional in front of his daughter. Or uh, not his.. well sort of his.. just, Pyra. Please don't notice the way his voice cracked.]

Everyone who gets close to me winds up hurt.

[ "Everyone who gets close to me winds up hurt".

His words hang in the air between them, oppressive as the silence that follows.

Then Pyra takes his hand, giving it a firm squeeze as if to get his attention. ] ...Can you ask Friday to play back that clip of Pepper and Morgan on the beach? Or...how about when we all had dinner together?

[ Two instances, two memories of when things had been peaceful and fun for him (or so she assumes). The memories might be colored melancholy while looking through his current lens, but the proof is in the past: those moments, he hadn't been hurting anyone. Rather, it's just the opposite. He's bringing joy to those with whom he interacts and cares as well.

...And whether or not Tony asks Friday himself to play such recordings back and it actually happens, she'll continue to speak. Her point isn't the memory itself, but just the gentle reminder that such times exist within his heart too. In the depths of trauma, it can be difficult-- nearly impossible-- to see the greater picture, and the worth one has, the joys one experiences and give. She's sorry that he has experienced such strife, that it continues to plague him to this day. She's sorry that it effects him so, makes him anxious and his voice crack...

But what she's trying to do here is reach in and help. ] It's... such like a hero to look more at the losses than every other good you've done,

[ Her hand strokes over his knuckles again. Everyone who winds up close to him ends up laughing and smiling too, from what she's seen, despite not every interaction being perfect. But no one can be perfect, and relationships are not infallibly smooth all the time. ]

The smiles you bring to others... Myself, Gladio... can't you remember them?

[Those were good times, both memories Pyra brings up. The affection she was giving him was more than he deserved, but he was grateful for it all the same.]

I do. I.. they're moments- precious ones, of course. I treasure them and they're what get me through. But I wonder are those little moments, no matter how many of them, enough to balance the scale of one big hurt?

Like.. well, like Pepper. If that incident had left her paralyzed or blind or some other lasting condition, would it matter how good I was to her if I was responsible for that? Or with Era. Solus said I'd done her so much harm that she's going to need all this time to recover from it. He said he read our conversations and couldn't tell from them that I'd cared at all.

On one hand, I'm supposed to be made of iron. It's who I am and it's who I need to be when I have to stand between the world and whatever wants to harm it over and over again. On the other.. when you have to defend yourself the same way for so many years you can't help but question it.

[Was he really the villain in the story and just unable to see it for some reason? Was he the abuser he'd sworn to protect others against? He tugged the necklace he wore around his neck always out from under his shirt. The little black skull, identical to the one on a blind man's neck, was hard to see in the night.]

Something or someone killed my fiancé's spirit. Ignis was losing his mind before he left the train and I couldn't help him either. When am I going to hurt you and Gladio in a way that's unforgivable? It's not a question of 'if'.

[ The more he speaks, the more it seems as if he's spiraling. So trapped he is within his own fears, she feels as if she's watching him become undone from reality in real time. What's holding him together is slowly slipping, she's seeing it on his expression, she's hearing it in the strain of his tone. But... What safer way to have that happen, than in the company of someone who cares for him? First and foremost, she wants to let him know that it's okay. ]

Tony--..... Tony. [ She repeats his name, the second time said more firmly than the first, as if she might call his attention back to her-- to her, to the present, to the reality that they have, not in any anxieties or the future of ifs, of worst-case-scenarios he already believes will happen, when he cannot tell the future.

...She'll address his concern of hurting others he cares about in a moment, of potentially hurting Gladio. But right now-- ] ....Over here, mm? [ She brings their hands up between them, clasping one of his in both of hers, as if holding his one in a prayer. ] Come back to me.

Where are we?

[She had to say his name twice before he heard it. He was so racked with guilt and worry over future mistakes there were whispers at the edges of his mind of anxiety. They'd lead to stronger poison and eventually an anxiety attack. There was already a small tremor in his hand, caught between her own.

However, being told to look at Pyra and really drawn out of his thoughts. His face was a little more pale, but when he blinked, his eyes were finally focused back on her again.]

Pyra..

[He glanced around, remembering the present.]

Sorry. I.. I'm sorry. I'm here with you.

[ She feels the tremble his hand in hers, and it only makes her only smooth her fingers over the back of his knuckles. She repeats this, over and over until those trembles are but scant quivers. Would that she could dismiss his apologies away with the same motions, because he doesn't need to say he's sorry for... She doesn't even know what he's sorry for. For allowing himself to show this, for letting himself show these emotions?

Too much. He puts too much on himself, and she sees it clearly with his new pallor. She speaks gently, cautiously. ]

You're here, and it's now. [ Not the future, not anywhere else, and not in a situation in which he's hurt someone, real or imagined. ] I'm here.... And it's a privilege to be here, with you. Will you believe that?

[He breathed a laugh.]

It is? Why? So you can listen to some old man's worries? That can't possibly be what you'd prefer to be doing right now.

[Despite the words, his tone is borderline playful. He wanted to believe her, did that count?]

[ The playful tone earns him a smile, as she seems to take it as a good sign. Better playful than morose, but she hopes that that isn't his mask simply slipping back into place.

Nevertheless, she doesn't lose sight of why she's here. ] Because... [ She leans in a bit, as if to emphasize a point. ]

I care for you, silly.

[ Silly-- as if he's silly to believe anything else, doubt it, and so on. ] I care for you, I care for you, I care for you.

[ She'll say it as many times as she needs to! All this, before they really move onto the heart of the matter. ]

[Some of it was, but some of it was relief that she'd brought him back. This sweet girl had prevented one of his mini torture sessions he went through because of his condition.

On top of that, she was being really cute about it. He drew his hand back from her and instead wrapped that arm and the other around her, drawing her in to a hug.

He knew she didn't have to be like this- she didn't have to let him treat her like a daughter. She could find it creepy or condescending or a number of other logical viewpoints but he was so grateful she let him do whatever this was between them. He adored her.

After a couple moments, he was able to pull back and smile at her. No mask, no superhero, just Tony. There was a hint of worry even with that smile though.]

I do too, kiddo. I really do. That's why I'm so afraid of doing something that might hurt you. How would I ever forgive myself for that?

[ He can see her as he wishes. In this moment, it seems that he needs that, or so she perceives, some sort of allusion to his real family. Obliging, especially because he's hurt, is no burden to her as far as she's cognitively aware; so, she smiles at the hug-- returning it warmly.

When he pulls back, her hand lifts to place it upon his back, giving it a soft pat. And there it stays for a moment longer before she drops it back down to take his hand. This time, her fingers interweave with his.

"I'm so afraid of doing something that might hurt you." She knows that-- in this context, it can't just be her. He had expressed worry for his wife and child, he had expressed worry for Ignis from the train, for Gladio in this world. Swapping out that "you" for anyone, or the entire world, she believes, gives further insight into how anxious he is about causing harm.

She shakes her head, her smile sorrowful, pained at first from hearing how he suffers, but then sympathetic. ] Tony. You, Tony, and you, Iron Man. You're fallible, and... you cannot see the future. [ Perfection is the opposite of good, and power leads to an air of capability. She sees how damaging this is to him; surely, he must see it, too. ] And relationships-- they're not always perfect. [ Her voice is sincere, but gentle. No one likes to be told they're not perfect, or that it's possible harm might occur, but to tell him that no harm will occur ever is a false hope, unrealistic. But she wants him here, in the present, and based in reality.] When that happens, that's up to you and other person.

[ She knows this to be true, and she's experienced it herself: hurt, then reconciliation, then moving forward, based on what both parties want. Reassurance is something she can give him, and she'll give him it as many times as it's needed, until that worried smile of his becomes something stronger, something grander, and something that he doesn't feel he needs to hide. That he worries at all, that he's confiding and seeking help-- she sees it as that he's already trying to better himself, already trying to be careful with his relationships. He's trying, and that's worth something.

A pause follows her words, and she adjusts how she sits, turning more to face him as another thought occurs to her. ]

Easier said than done but-- [ Her tone changes again, earnest, as if asking something of him... Or, perhaps, wanting something for him, because he should have this:] That fear... Don't let that come between what happiness you can have-- and bring-- to your bonds with others.

[Even though he was grieving those he'd lost and had a need for family, his attention to Pyra wasn't only because of those things. The young woman in front of him at the present time was also a very kind individual who he was learning to respect and appreciate in her own right as well. He hoped she could sense that too. At some point, he might find the worlds to tell her.

He listens was torn between wanting to accept these supportive words and argue that normal significant others didn't put their partner's lives at risk as often as he did without being the one causing it.

But maybe that was the point of all of this. Since when was his life been normal? So, he nods in agreement.]

I am aware of that. It might not always seem like I do, but.. I'm very aware I'm not perfect.

[You cannot see the future. It was true. He couldn't have known the outcome of Ultron, of whatever he'd done wrong on the train, or trying to help Era.

That fear... Don't let that come between what happiness you can have-- and bring-- to your bonds with others.]

How do you stop letting it?

[ A general you, she interprets, and whatever suggestion she has here, she knows she won't be easy for him to oblige. Overcoming such things takes practice, time, and patience-- the second of which, unfortunately, he has only borrowed. Once he's gone from this world, he's gone.

There's too many like that in this world. Too many. ]

Balance.

[ She says at last. ] Balance, ...living in the present. [ She isn't saying that he should abandon all caution on how he treats others, and she isn't saying that he should retreat away from them. It's finding that happy medium, and living within these moments while they last. ]

...And allowing yourself to believe that you're wanted by those with whom you spend time.

[ Once she had told him to be kind. That still stands, only now, he must be kind to himself, too. ]

[It was a difficult thing to overcome- the guilt from the past, so he can enjoy the present. He's not convinced he has that right with some of his mistakes. However what good does it do those who died because of his errors or those who were hurt? Despite everything did he really think Ignis- his Ignis- would've wanted him to be anything but happy?

He nodded slowly, mulling that thought over and trying to picture how he could put that to practice. However, he wasn't the only one here.]

What about you, Pyra? Are you allowing yourself to believe you're wanted and important? If I have to believe it, so do you. That's only fair.

[ She smiles at him, exhaling through her nose in a somewhat silent sigh as if to say really, now. ]

When have I said otherwise?

[ Where is this coming from, she wonders. Possibly, just Tony's want to show that he cares, too. Unnecessary, since it is obvious that he does, but a strange divers--

Ah. He's diverting? ] Tony. [ She nods her head at him. ] Sometimes, I get the feeling that you care almost too much. [ He's the sad one, right now. That he's looking out for her, too, in this vulnerable moment speaks to the grandness of his heart. She smiles at that, her eyes warm. ]

[What?! Don't look at him like that! He can only be serious and vulnerable for so long before his natural defenses kick in. Diverting the attention to her was pretty mild compared to other tactics he'd used in the past when he felt like this.

Unfortunately being this real with her also meant he didn't have that smooth exterior that always seemed to have an answer ready for everything. She had to see the struggle and doubt, but also this was Tony- not Iron Man. It was terrifying for her to see it, but there it was.]

It's not that.. it's..

[He sighed as he scrambled to find the right words. How was he supposed to say it was less scary to face a problem if you had someone to face it with? Was he supposed to confess that letting go of the guilt from the past made him fear he'd get careless again? If he was supposed to recognize there were people he wanted him and cared about him, how did he let go of the knowledge they could get hurt?

How did he admit that if he had to watch one more person he cared about suffer like he'd watched Peter fade to dust or Ignis detach from reality or lose his family the man of Iron would break?

He gave up and opted for saying something else.]

I'll try to find that balance.

[ She watches his expression carefully, hearing his sigh, noting how he stops himself from clarifying...

Did she say something wrong? For him to be silent before her, when he is so normally talktaive... A part of her wonders if this means he simply needs a moment to himself. Another part wonders if she should even pry. A third part, the part that feels as if she cannot let a slight slide-- even if imagined. If she did wrong, if she somehow discouraged him, she wants to make it right.

And, he says he'll try to find that balance. She wants to try to help him find it, too. ]

Mm.... Tony?

[He rubs the back of his neck and gave her a sheepish, little smile. He can tell this is confusing her and making her feel anxious. Of course, that was the last thing he wanted.]

I'm so bad at talking about this kind of thing when it's about me. But.. I'm hearing you and I want to try what you're advising me to do. I um.. well, it's like you said. It's easier said than done, but we still have to try.

[ His sheepish smile is better than the defeated look from before, and trying is, perhaps, the best he might do in this moment. Smaller steps are needed, and first, he must take them to begin.

She believes in him. She believes that he can go as far as he can with this, and she believes that the moment when he accepts that he is wanted and loved by his family and friends, when he'll live in the present fully... will be a beautiful one. Even if he just goes an hour feeling that he is loved and without worry for the future-- that would be wonderful.

Her free hand lifts; delicate and soft, her fingers find the his cheek to guide his face to look back at her. Then, in a single, quiet motion, that hand lifts up, making a flipping motion as if she's discarded a shutter from his mien. The symbolism should be apparent: the metaphorical mask has been metaphorically removed.

Moreover, she wants to see him without it-- and, privately, she doesn't see a difference between him and a hero. He is that hero still, with or without that mask.

Her hand retracts to her lap, but her eyes remain upon him. Encouragingly, ]

The 'maskless' you is still a hero too, isn't he? And the only one who can find that balance.

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