runs_on_batteries: (Default)
Tony Stark ([personal profile] runs_on_batteries) wrote2022-02-14 12:37 am

IC Inbox/ Interactions 2.0



[For IC messages/ posts in suggestion box/ 'I don't want to flood the comms stuff'/ etc etc etc.]
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
No, because they are usually not necessary. I do not intend them as a way to excuse any hurt I cause. I was trying to ask what to avoid speaking of, lest you get angry. You could not answer, so I judged the risk too high.

It was my wedding. There were rows of empty seats for family that I have not seen in two years and who I miss every single day.

She approached me at the reception. I told her about my siblings. I thought it was going well.

Then she said my brother had said they were family, and asked if that made us sisters.

It made me feel so sick. It hurt. I told her that I trust my sisters. I do not trust her.

She seemed sad and asked if that was too presumptuous. I said it was, because it was, but I didn't want to upset her so I told her why I don't trust her. I suppose I thought if she knew why it would help it hurt less, or at the very least help her understand the reasoning.

I don't know her. Over a year of chances and she's never let me get to know her, either, even when I still put in the effort to try. That is her right, but she cannot expect us to suddenly be sisters just because she is a part of his life.

We never had a relationship that would warrant her asking such a thing in the first place. To ask me on that day was offensive to me.

I cannot apologize because it would feel disingenuous, and she deserves better than a disingenuous apology.

I was always polite to the best of my ability, and have always respected their relationship even though I dislike her. Why was that not enough?

He loves her and she makes him happy. I respect that a great deal. It is why I removed myself from the equation once it was clear I couldn't force myself to like her. I tried to keep my distance but she is everywhere, and everyone loves her. She fits in very well. I do not.

Leaving seemed the most logical choice. I was the outlier, and offered them nothing of benefit—only detriment. Everyone would be happier without me messing everything up.

So I don't understand why they are not.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 02:31 am (UTC)(link)
That is accurate.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 03:35 am (UTC)(link)
He is not my brother by blood or by law. She would just be the person he chose to marry.

It was not her 'welcoming me to the family', and I am aware it was not an attack. It was a fucking stupid, invasive question, especially given the context of the conversation we had been having.

There is no 'punishment'. I simply told her the truth. I do not trust her. I do not trust her because I do not know her. I refuse to leave myself open and vulnerable to her any longer when there is no reciprocation. She has never respected the boundaries I set because she is too naive and clueless.

I was happy to answer his relationship questions, knowing full well who he was with. I was fine being supportive, but otherwise uninvolved. I just kept my distance from her, minding my own business, because for some reason she causes my PTSD to flare up and I cannot keep pushing through it.

It is a 'brother's girlfriend' thing, not a 'sister' thing.
Edited 2021-03-12 03:35 (UTC)
astralera: (Default)

cw: reference to human trafficking bc eorzea kinda sucks

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 04:45 am (UTC)(link)
I guess I don't give a shit about Noctis. Which is why I did him the favour of removing myself from his family.

I know nothing about Pyra because, despite opening up and telling her deeply personal things in answer to her prying questions, she would deflect every attempt of learning anything about her. Then she wonders why I am cold and distant, as if I'm meant to spill all my secrets to her like everyone else does. I already gave her more than enough. More than I was comfortable with. I was not given the same courtesy of trust in return, and so I am done with her.

I tried to make it work, but I was tired of being the only one to make any compromises. She keeps doing the same thing over and over without success. She does not change. I cannot blame her for being ignorant, but I can blame her for remaining that way. I am allowed to not like someone. It's allowed, isn't it?

I do not have a family I was born with. I did not exist, and then I did. I had no memories. I had knowledge but no context. I lived in the streets of Ul'dah, alone, starving, and afraid.

When I was three months old I woke to a man dragging me up by my hair. He held a knife to my throat. I grabbed the blade and killed him with it. It was the first time I ever hurt anyone, but if I didn't fight I would have been sold.

A few months later I was found by the organization that would become my family, but Pyra reminds me of that night and the weeks preceding it.


Why would I talk to Ardyn about this? He adores Noctis and Pyra. I would not involve him in this, even if he knew enough to help.

I have Hades and I have Ardbert. I have Hythlo and Peki and Seto. I don't need anything else. They are the best things life has to offer, and are far more than I deserve.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
Yes. I have told her. I have pointed it out to her numerous times over the past sixteen months. I have seen no change.

I know she didn't do it. I am stupid but not entirely braindead. That's why I said she sets off my PTSD. In addition to the reasons I do not like her, I have dealt with that sense of discomfort which has obviously not been of any help.

I don't expect her to tell me anything. At this point I don't care to know what her problem is. But to expect me to be open and vulnerable to her while she does not do the same is not something I am willing to do again. If I can respect that, my desire to not indulge in her inane, overstepping interactions any longer should also be respected. She consistently expects too much, as though her dating Noctis somehow permits her to bypass the steps needed to develop a comaraderie.

I have sent Noctis a letter of apology for hurting him by pushing him away. I made it clear I was not asking forgiveness, as I do not want forgiveness. It is not something I deserve. That was an honest apology as I did not mean to hurt him, and did not want him to think it was his fault. If he does not respond then I will refrain from contacting him ever again.

I do not have anything to do with Pyra.

What the hells are you talking about? "sends passive aggressive messages and will hide in the closet while being on a voice chat with someone so they look so pitiful and helpless."

What is this bullshite???? Was I supposed to get up and go somewhere else just for a video call I didn't want to have??? That is my closet. It is where I go when I need a dark and quiet place.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 07:25 am (UTC)(link)
I apologized because I did not intend to hurt him. I wanted him to know that he has done nothing wrong, and that I am solely to blame.

I offered him a sketchbook I had made for him along with the letter, as the tenth day of the third month is a day I give gifts. You and Gladio should have received yours, too.

Do you think I am lying about my past? Making it all up as some sick bid for sympathy? That I have twenty-eight years filled to burst with memories?

I had a panic attack after learning that Gladio was informed of my personal details.

I sought solace in the dark, confined walls of my closest.

I switched back to text because I am suffering a bout of muteness and for all that Echo can be my voice I wanted to speak on my own behalf.

The only reason I attempted a video conversion in the first place was because you requested it. I dislike video conversations.

I am seven years old, Tony Stark. More than five years of which were spent in near endless bloodshed. I learned early on that my feelings and my pain never mattered, because everyone else mattered more.

Thank-you for reaffirming this. I will readjust myself accordingly.
Edited 2021-03-12 07:26 (UTC)
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 08:44 am (UTC)(link)
Yet another incorrect assumption.

My boyfriend was on the bed nearby, using his presence to comfort me while still allowing me privacy. My husband was downstairs watching Hythlo, so I would not need worry about the baby.


I understand now that speaking you about this was a mistake.

You have a bias that twists your interpretation of my actions. You assume the worst of me, and in doing so place the blame on my illness without stopping to consider you may be wrong.

You do not seem to truly understand that my mere acknowledgement of aspects of my life being painful or traumatic is an incredibly new experience to me. I have spent my whole life believing my suffering is at best irrelevant and at worst deserved. I have always diminished myself and my needs in favour of helping others.

I am constantly fighting the belief that I am not allowed to feel these things. I am tired of fighting it, so I will return to my old methods instead.

I'm sure you'll blame this on me being childish, manipulative, and unwilling to take any blame or punishment. Fine. Think whatever you want.

You have never seen me for who I am, just what I have.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 09:42 am (UTC)(link)
If you want clarification ask. You needn't accuse me of something so utterly stupid.

For many months I had first encouraged—then eventually told her—to express her own thoughts and opinions rather than repeating those of others. The questions she asked me I would return and she would not answer them.

I stopped being so open with her. She continued asking questions. I would answer, but with facts and minimal personal information.

She constantly oversteps reasonable boundaries. One example being at my wedding, where the context of the conversation leading up to her question should have made it blatantly obvious, especially considering that we rarely speak and have never been close at all.

I do not care if she was excited by the prospect of my being her family. It was horrifically tone deaf and inappropriate. Upset, she shared with Noctis the things I told her but not what prompted me to say them.

I had told her she is evasive and even when she speaks the truth it feels dishonest, as though she's playing a role she never studied for.

She thanked me for being candid with her.

Later she sought me out privately over a month later to give me a wedding gift from her and Noctis to Ardbert and I. It felt like bribery and I could not accept it. I told her as such.

She has all the knowledge she needs to know that if she wants to foster a positive relationship that it will need to start from scratch, and conversations cannot be one-sided. I don't care what the conversations are about so long as there is equivalency, and she doesn't continue repeating the same inane gushing compliments over and over.

I was perfectly happy with things as they were before. Our relationship was polite, but distant. It worked fine. Then Noctis found out I don't trust her or like her and it has been a spiraling shitshow ever since.

I do not blame her for the way she is. What I blame her for is being told repeatedly what I have trouble with regarding our interactions, her acknowledging it, and then being surprised when I bring it up down the line after nothing has changed, as though it was the first time she ever heard it.

I wish her no ill will. I just cannot deal with her as she is. It is an incompatibility, and I am resentful that I was made to feel like it was solely my responsibility to make it work. I do not see why a cordial, impersonal relationship would not be acceptable.

You could say this situation has been the catalyst for my subsequent breakdown. It is better for them all if I am not involved in their lives, as all I am good for is hurting others.
astralera: (Default)

[personal profile] astralera 2021-03-12 10:54 pm (UTC)(link)
If it sounds a though I am vilifying her that is not my intent. The intent was to explain why there is an inherent incompatibility between us. I am well aware that if there is a 'villain' here it is me, not her.

You do not see it because you have not been here for the year we had co-existed, where I had made sure to include her in gatherings I hosted, made her feel welcome to attend 'family' gatherings even prior to her more recent relationship, helped Noctis choose clothes for her in her favourite colours, even going so far as to have proper women's necessities made to her measurements as well as hand sewing her a dress she would enjoy. One of the few things I knew about her was that she enjoyed cooking, so I reached out for her assistance in cooking for my partner when I was incapable.

All of these things I did in an attempt to foster a possible friendship, but it was always imbalanced and uncomfortable. I then shifted to interacting only at gatherings where I would be polite and direct conversations to more scholarly subjects and away from personal ones. I would still offer the occassional piece of personal information when asked, and turn the questions back to her.

And I already told you what happened. It was my wedding. She told him what I told her. He contacted me and asked what happened. I told him. He told me all about how wonderful she is and to be patient with her and et cetera.

I am happy he is happy. I do not trust her, but he does. That is his choice.

I spent a long time putting in effort, trying to be patient, opening myself up despite my fears. In over a year of interactions she has always remained the same with me; unchanged. So all I see is a person trying very hard to play a part she never studied for, no matter how she may be to others.

If she is willing to have a proper conversation that is equal rather than one-sided, I am willing to listen.

If she would like to forge a friendship, so long as she does not assume that she has the same privileges from the start that my close friends have, I am not opposed.

I told him as much, because he is familiar with the way I speak and could relay the concept to her in a way to minimize her hurt feelings if he so chose.

So I am saying that I tried. Even before she moved on to Noctis, I put in the effort. I have not been given the same courtesy. I should not be the only one responsible for making it work, and should not be made to feel bad for it — not that that was his intent.

But it's irrelevant now, because I have removed myself from the situation.

I think I will go buy another house now. My comrade whose children I killed deserves somewhere comfortable to mourn them.