runs_on_batteries | IC Inbox/ Interactions 2.0

No, because they are usually not necessary. I do not intend them as a way to excuse any hurt I cause. I was trying to ask what to avoid speaking of, lest you get angry. You could not answer, so I judged the risk too high.

It was my wedding. There were rows of empty seats for family that I have not seen in two years and who I miss every single day.

She approached me at the reception. I told her about my siblings. I thought it was going well.

Then she said my brother had said they were family, and asked if that made us sisters.

It made me feel so sick. It hurt. I told her that I trust my sisters. I do not trust her.

She seemed sad and asked if that was too presumptuous. I said it was, because it was, but I didn't want to upset her so I told her why I don't trust her. I suppose I thought if she knew why it would help it hurt less, or at the very least help her understand the reasoning.

I don't know her. Over a year of chances and she's never let me get to know her, either, even when I still put in the effort to try. That is her right, but she cannot expect us to suddenly be sisters just because she is a part of his life.

We never had a relationship that would warrant her asking such a thing in the first place. To ask me on that day was offensive to me.

I cannot apologize because it would feel disingenuous, and she deserves better than a disingenuous apology.

I was always polite to the best of my ability, and have always respected their relationship even though I dislike her. Why was that not enough?

He loves her and she makes him happy. I respect that a great deal. It is why I removed myself from the equation once it was clear I couldn't force myself to like her. I tried to keep my distance but she is everywhere, and everyone loves her. She fits in very well. I do not.

Leaving seemed the most logical choice. I was the outlier, and offered them nothing of benefit—only detriment. Everyone would be happier without me messing everything up.

So I don't understand why they are not.

[Tony winced, feeling bad for whoever this girl was.]

Okay. Let's break this down a bit since there are a lot of parts and that's why it's so complicated. Would that be alright?

First, your wedding day you have some leeway to be crazy because most people are under a lot of stress. You just said you had rows of empty seats for family who weren't there, right? So that injury you want people to stay away from, the deep heart that you started the day with, is feeling sad your family from back home weren't there. Would you say that part is accurate?

That is accurate.

[Progress! This was good. He doesn't think they've ever been on the same page before.]

Okay, good. So based on what you just told me, this girl is dating your brother and asks if that makes you sisters.

I can understand where that is a sensitive topic for you, but if this girl does end up marrying your brother, what is she? She's your sister-in-law, which is a type of sister. Is she the same kind of sister that you have back home who I'm sure you're missing and trust with everything? No. Does it matter that she's not technically married to your brother yet? Not really. In-laws are a very tricky part of family politics, but they're valid.

So unfortunately, kiddo, you were in the wrong here. It sucks and I know she accidentally hit on a bad topic, but the punishment didn't fit the crime. Shooting her down like that was wrong. And have you noticed, I haven't said a word about her knowing the intricate details of why you snapped at her? It's because it doesn't matter. This isn't about her and your sisters. It's about you and her. She's your sister-in-law and that was her attempt to welcome you to the family, not attack you.

However, there are three other parts to this: the issue of you not trusting her and why, whether or not you can give her a genuine apology, and the fact you've removed yourself from the equation which has me concerned.

Want to talk more about the sister thing or want me to keep going? What would be most beneficial to you?

He is not my brother by blood or by law. She would just be the person he chose to marry.

It was not her 'welcoming me to the family', and I am aware it was not an attack. It was a fucking stupid, invasive question, especially given the context of the conversation we had been having.

There is no 'punishment'. I simply told her the truth. I do not trust her. I do not trust her because I do not know her. I refuse to leave myself open and vulnerable to her any longer when there is no reciprocation. She has never respected the boundaries I set because she is too naive and clueless.

I was happy to answer his relationship questions, knowing full well who he was with. I was fine being supportive, but otherwise uninvolved. I just kept my distance from her, minding my own business, because for some reason she causes my PTSD to flare up and I cannot keep pushing through it.

It is a 'brother's girlfriend' thing, not a 'sister' thing.

Edited 2021-03-12 03:35 (UTC)

That doesn't matter. Family is family whether it's by blood or one build from the heart. And who she is matters or you don't give a shit about him. You can't have it both ways. You can't be in a family and not be someone's family.

It wasn't stupid or invasive. It was a really common thing for young women to say to each other at a wedding in my culture. It sounds like this girl is from somewhere similar. You know, why don't you ask Aerith and Pyra about it? They might have similar traditions and they're about the marrying age.

It's how families work. It doesn't sound like you understand how to be a friend or a sister to your brother. You can't be so selfish and petty. It's not healthy and definitely not fair to them. I don't understand, why would you want to live like this? Aren't you tired of being alone and the anger and the fighting? You have a chance at something to cherish and that's family you've found, not the kind you're born with.

Talk to Sully and Ardy, Era. You're not being fair to anyone, including yourself acting like this. You're missing out on some of the best things life has to offer because you're holding on the your pride. Trust me, I've done the same thing. Nothing I do will give me more time with my daughter or wife. Don't let this illness take anything more from you than it already has.

I guess I don't give a shit about Noctis. Which is why I did him the favour of removing myself from his family.

I know nothing about Pyra because, despite opening up and telling her deeply personal things in answer to her prying questions, she would deflect every attempt of learning anything about her. Then she wonders why I am cold and distant, as if I'm meant to spill all my secrets to her like everyone else does. I already gave her more than enough. More than I was comfortable with. I was not given the same courtesy of trust in return, and so I am done with her.

I tried to make it work, but I was tired of being the only one to make any compromises. She keeps doing the same thing over and over without success. She does not change. I cannot blame her for being ignorant, but I can blame her for remaining that way. I am allowed to not like someone. It's allowed, isn't it?

I do not have a family I was born with. I did not exist, and then I did. I had no memories. I had knowledge but no context. I lived in the streets of Ul'dah, alone, starving, and afraid.

When I was three months old I woke to a man dragging me up by my hair. He held a knife to my throat. I grabbed the blade and killed him with it. It was the first time I ever hurt anyone, but if I didn't fight I would have been sold.

A few months later I was found by the organization that would become my family, but Pyra reminds me of that night and the weeks preceding it.

Why would I talk to Ardyn about this? He adores Noctis and Pyra. I would not involve him in this, even if he knew enough to help.

I have Hades and I have Ardbert. I have Hythlo and Peki and Seto. I don't need anything else. They are the best things life has to offer, and are far more than I deserve.

[Oh.. shit. This was awkward, but maybe he could still do some good here. Hopefully?]

Era that's bullshit. You're talking like a child who didn't get what she wanted and is throwing a tantrum. Stop it. I was trying to get you to admit you do care about Noctis because clearly you do. You wouldn't have brought up this story if you didn't. So if you care about him then you have to deal with Pyra.

And how exactly have you tried to make it work? Did you tell her that it bothered you she wasn't sharing personal things like you were before blowing up? Did you give her some time to correct the behavior or offer some help if she was struggling to do that? Did you give her a chance to explain why it might be hard for her? That's what an adult would do.

Are you at all aware of how self-centered all of what you're telling me is? What happened to you is awful and it's disgusting someone would do that to you. Pyra didn't do it! She didn't come close to doing that. If she reminded you of that then that's a screw that's loose in your brain from your condition, not something she's done. She's a good person and I don't believe some like Noctis would be with anyone who would do anything to intentionally hurt you like that. Do you?

Look, I'm not saying she's perfect. I know her and yeah, it is frustrating she won't open up. You don't have the monopoly on suffering, Era. As bad as it feels and as horrible a thing as you've endured, Pyra just might have been through something worse. We don't know. She hasn't told us. It's her right not to tell us. She doesn't owe that to us. If she hasn't told you, then you haven't made her feel safe enough to tell you or you haven't given her enough time and that's your fault. If you told her anything that was your choice. Take ownership of your actions. Time to put your big girl pants on.

Ardyn? No, I'm talking about your boyfriend and your husband. Ardy = Ardbert and Sully = Solus zos Galvus. Who the hell is Hades and those other three?

It might be the best for you while you're still working through these issues that you leave them alone. There's a difference though between being an adult and leaving someone alone and being a child about it. An adult simply does it because it's about healing themselves and doesn't need to make a declaration about it or text the person a hundred times reminding them that they're being ignored. A child's is all about hurting the other person and sends passive aggressive messages and will hide in the closet while being on a voice chat with someone so they look so pitiful and helpless. Which one are you going to do?

Yes. I have told her. I have pointed it out to her numerous times over the past sixteen months. I have seen no change.

I know she didn't do it. I am stupid but not entirely braindead. That's why I said she sets off my PTSD. In addition to the reasons I do not like her, I have dealt with that sense of discomfort which has obviously not been of any help.

I don't expect her to tell me anything. At this point I don't care to know what her problem is. But to expect me to be open and vulnerable to her while she does not do the same is not something I am willing to do again. If I can respect that, my desire to not indulge in her inane, overstepping interactions any longer should also be respected. She consistently expects too much, as though her dating Noctis somehow permits her to bypass the steps needed to develop a comaraderie.

I have sent Noctis a letter of apology for hurting him by pushing him away. I made it clear I was not asking forgiveness, as I do not want forgiveness. It is not something I deserve. That was an honest apology as I did not mean to hurt him, and did not want him to think it was his fault. If he does not respond then I will refrain from contacting him ever again.

I do not have anything to do with Pyra.

What the hells are you talking about? "sends passive aggressive messages and will hide in the closet while being on a voice chat with someone so they look so pitiful and helpless."

What is this bullshite???? Was I supposed to get up and go somewhere else just for a video call I didn't want to have??? That is my closet. It is where I go when I need a dark and quiet place.

[Hmm.]

How do you know she is expecting you to be open and vulnerable to her? What is she doing specifically that would give you this impression?

Based on my experience with how overly dramatic you talk to me, I'm concerned with how your apology letter was anything but helpful or clear. If you were apologizing but not wanting forgiveness, what were you wanting from him? Alright, well, then if you've written them off then stay away from them. I'm telling you Era, you're being a fool though.

[He hopes for her sake that she ends up getting her issues together, she hasn't burnt this bridge completely.]

Those were two separate things. The passive aggressive messages were things I was betting you have been sending Noctis. I'd still bet that's what you sent him.

And yeah, I figured it was your closet. Who else's closet would you be hiding in? I told you this last time. You've learned some manipulative tricks to get people to treat you with kid gloves. I didn't respond correctly to your tantrum in the closet and that's why you switched it back to text. It's what children do, Era.

I apologized because I did not intend to hurt him. I wanted him to know that he has done nothing wrong, and that I am solely to blame.

I offered him a sketchbook I had made for him along with the letter, as the tenth day of the third month is a day I give gifts. You and Gladio should have received yours, too.

Do you think I am lying about my past? Making it all up as some sick bid for sympathy? That I have twenty-eight years filled to burst with memories?

I had a panic attack after learning that Gladio was informed of my personal details.

I sought solace in the dark, confined walls of my closest.

I switched back to text because I am suffering a bout of muteness and for all that Echo can be my voice I wanted to speak on my own behalf.

The only reason I attempted a video conversion in the first place was because you requested it. I dislike video conversations.

I am seven years old, Tony Stark. More than five years of which were spent in near endless bloodshed. I learned early on that my feelings and my pain never mattered, because everyone else mattered more.

Thank-you for reaffirming this. I will readjust myself accordingly.

Edited 2021-03-12 07:26 (UTC)

No I don't think you lied about your past at all. I think you have gone through something very terrible and you're hurting from it. I think you're defensive, angry, and you need help. I'm trying to give it to you. You seem unable to see reality clearly though and so sometimes I push at what you tell me because it doesn't sound right to me. I think there are things you can handle better and should strive to improve on.

If you were having a panic attack why wouldn't you reach out to either of the two people you're in a relationship with? That's what spouses and boyfriends/ girlfriends are for. Are you so proud you can't even use your Echo creature to talk on your behalf?

I think until you face this condition and take responsibility for your own choices, you're going to continue to hurt people you care about and live with this constant battle you're waging against every person who looks at you wrong.

I want to help you get there, but I'm also going to call you out when I think you're lying to me or you're lying to you. Even if I've disagreed with some of your choices here, haven't I been more respectful to you than I was before?

Yet another incorrect assumption.

My boyfriend was on the bed nearby, using his presence to comfort me while still allowing me privacy. My husband was downstairs watching Hythlo, so I would not need worry about the baby.

I understand now that speaking you about this was a mistake.

You have a bias that twists your interpretation of my actions. You assume the worst of me, and in doing so place the blame on my illness without stopping to consider you may be wrong.

You do not seem to truly understand that my mere acknowledgement of aspects of my life being painful or traumatic is an incredibly new experience to me. I have spent my whole life believing my suffering is at best irrelevant and at worst deserved. I have always diminished myself and my needs in favour of helping others.

I am constantly fighting the belief that I am not allowed to feel these things. I am tired of fighting it, so I will return to my old methods instead.

I'm sure you'll blame this on me being childish, manipulative, and unwilling to take any blame or punishment. Fine. Think whatever you want.

You have never seen me for who I am, just what I have.

I'm challenging what you're telling me so that you will tell me where I'm wrong. It's a method used with me when I started. I had a lot of impressions of how things in my life had gone and I blamed a lot of different people for things that had happened. With a doctor's help we worked on that and I'm doing the same with you.

I'll admit when speaking of Pyra I am struggling to see your point of view. I do see where she is closed off and I was listening when you kept correcting my statements. That doesn't mean I don't care about your view point and it doesn't mean I can't help because I care for her as well. My concern was more about the level of anger and blame you place on her. Or anyone, but she seemed to have gotten the most of your focus.

You're allowed to feel your feelings. You should. The problem is that the condition we share is that those feelings can sometimes be deceiving. They can be wrong and they can blind us from seeing things the way things truly are. I'll try to be gentler if that's what you're needing, but I ask that you try and at least consider what I'm suggesting too.

Otherwise, you're welcome to take your concerns to someone else. That's your choice.

If you want clarification ask. You needn't accuse me of something so utterly stupid.

For many months I had first encouraged—then eventually told her—to express her own thoughts and opinions rather than repeating those of others. The questions she asked me I would return and she would not answer them.

I stopped being so open with her. She continued asking questions. I would answer, but with facts and minimal personal information.

She constantly oversteps reasonable boundaries. One example being at my wedding, where the context of the conversation leading up to her question should have made it blatantly obvious, especially considering that we rarely speak and have never been close at all.

I do not care if she was excited by the prospect of my being her family. It was horrifically tone deaf and inappropriate. Upset, she shared with Noctis the things I told her but not what prompted me to say them.

I had told her she is evasive and even when she speaks the truth it feels dishonest, as though she's playing a role she never studied for.

She thanked me for being candid with her.

Later she sought me out privately over a month later to give me a wedding gift from her and Noctis to Ardbert and I. It felt like bribery and I could not accept it. I told her as such.

She has all the knowledge she needs to know that if she wants to foster a positive relationship that it will need to start from scratch, and conversations cannot be one-sided. I don't care what the conversations are about so long as there is equivalency, and she doesn't continue repeating the same inane gushing compliments over and over.

I was perfectly happy with things as they were before. Our relationship was polite, but distant. It worked fine. Then Noctis found out I don't trust her or like her and it has been a spiraling shitshow ever since.

I do not blame her for the way she is. What I blame her for is being told repeatedly what I have trouble with regarding our interactions, her acknowledging it, and then being surprised when I bring it up down the line after nothing has changed, as though it was the first time she ever heard it.

I wish her no ill will. I just cannot deal with her as she is. It is an incompatibility, and I am resentful that I was made to feel like it was solely my responsibility to make it work. I do not see why a cordial, impersonal relationship would not be acceptable.

You could say this situation has been the catalyst for my subsequent breakdown. It is better for them all if I am not involved in their lives, as all I am good for is hurting others.

Right now, it would appear you are very good at hurting others. To say that's all you're good for isn't true. You have a lot of potential. For instance, you seem to love science and might do something positive with that.

What you just wrote to me though, sounds like you've found someone to channel your anger at and vilified them. Tell me based on what you just said, where are you taking ownership for your actions because I don't see it.

Help me understand this time you had a cordial, impersonal relationship. The one before Noctis found out about you not trusting her. How did that go? What happened to make him find out about the lack of trust?

Edited 2021-03-12 18:34 (UTC)

If it sounds a though I am vilifying her that is not my intent. The intent was to explain why there is an inherent incompatibility between us. I am well aware that if there is a 'villain' here it is me, not her.

You do not see it because you have not been here for the year we had co-existed, where I had made sure to include her in gatherings I hosted, made her feel welcome to attend 'family' gatherings even prior to her more recent relationship, helped Noctis choose clothes for her in her favourite colours, even going so far as to have proper women's necessities made to her measurements as well as hand sewing her a dress she would enjoy. One of the few things I knew about her was that she enjoyed cooking, so I reached out for her assistance in cooking for my partner when I was incapable.

All of these things I did in an attempt to foster a possible friendship, but it was always imbalanced and uncomfortable. I then shifted to interacting only at gatherings where I would be polite and direct conversations to more scholarly subjects and away from personal ones. I would still offer the occassional piece of personal information when asked, and turn the questions back to her.

And I already told you what happened. It was my wedding. She told him what I told her. He contacted me and asked what happened. I told him. He told me all about how wonderful she is and to be patient with her and et cetera.

I am happy he is happy. I do not trust her, but he does. That is his choice.

I spent a long time putting in effort, trying to be patient, opening myself up despite my fears. In over a year of interactions she has always remained the same with me; unchanged. So all I see is a person trying very hard to play a part she never studied for, no matter how she may be to others.

If she is willing to have a proper conversation that is equal rather than one-sided, I am willing to listen.

If she would like to forge a friendship, so long as she does not assume that she has the same privileges from the start that my close friends have, I am not opposed.

I told him as much, because he is familiar with the way I speak and could relay the concept to her in a way to minimize her hurt feelings if he so chose.

So I am saying that I tried. Even before she moved on to Noctis, I put in the effort. I have not been given the same courtesy. I should not be the only one responsible for making it work, and should not be made to feel bad for it — not that that was his intent.

But it's irrelevant now, because I have removed myself from the situation.

I think I will go buy another house now. My comrade whose children I killed deserves somewhere comfortable to mourn them.

So you criticize me for making assumptions and then get snippy when I ask you to clarify something? You're exhausting to talk to.

Alright, you win. She's a dumpster fire and you're perfect. You're clearly the sane one. Leave that poor couple alone and I'll be happy. I don't even want to know what that last reference was about as I'm completely out of patience with you today.

Peace out.

IC Inbox/ Interactions 2.0

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cw: reference to human trafficking bc eorzea kinda sucks

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